from my junior year of high school until now i have wanted to be an orthodontist. i worked extremely hard to make that happen, through school and volunteering and shadowing and tutoring. but it seems like my dream isn't meant to come true. i have been declined or wait listed from every dental school i applied to. i have failed. i gave it my best but have failed. so when everyone ask me if i got into dental school i get to tell them no and hear their condolences, the whole time im wondering if they expected failure from me all along, or if they know how hard it is to tell everyone that i failed. its one thing to fail and no one know but to fail publicly, that sucks. i really feel like i have let my family down, my friends down, and myself down. as a biology major i knew a lot of people that had similar aspirations as i, and i just wonder what happened to all of them. i competed against these students to be in the best in the bunch but in the end none of it even mattered. the reality is im just not good enough. and it sucks. really really sucks. today i ran into someone that i havn't seen in a very long time and i had to relive this failure again, and i know that it's just going to continue to happen every few weeks. why people can't ask me about anything else, i have no clue. so now you all know. im not looking into teaching because it is my dream or what i feel like i am meant to do forever, reality is im not good enough to do what i want to so im forced to move to second best, and second best for me is a career with a summer break. and that unfortunately, this world revolves around money so i need a job. i want to love to go to work, not overly so where it consumes my life, but one thing i have learned is that you have to enjoy your work or its pointless. so i will teach and try dental school again. that's all you can do right? or will my dreams change as this reality sinks in more?
sorry that this post is horribly depressing but it's my blog, i can write whatever i want, and you can choose to read, im not making you. and i started this blog as a sort of journal for myself. i feel like one day i will look back at this and be thankful i wasn't accepted into dental school because i find that occupation that makes me so extremely happy and proud. at least i really hope that happens. they say thats what happens but then i look at the majority of 40 year olds that i know and they hate their job, they are burnt out. did they give up on the occupation they were meant for? maybe they were just simply not good enough. i don't know, but i refuse to become that. it's okay to not know exactly what i want right. i feel like i always have to have answer to the question, what's next, what are you going to do.
i had indian food tonight.
i do love indian food.
